Otherkin

 Just a nice moment I had today that I want to preserve here for whenever I'm feeling down. 

Came out of my class around 3:15 and ran into a professor of mine. She's the one who was a day late with my letter of recommendation, but who is also on the board to accept grad students. I had her for a very intense writing class in fall of '24 and it's where I produced my best work. She introduced me to technical writing. She's made a very large impact on my life despite only ever having a singular class with her. 

 Anyway, I come out of my class and she says hi to me, asks me about my Barcelona sweatshirt and we exchange stories about European travels. She begins telling me about wild stories from her research, and eventually we get into what her research is. For everyone's sake, I will just summarize it and say that it is a household item from the Victorian era that, despite it's popularity in the early 19th century, is rather unknown now. I asked her a lot of questions because it sounded very interesting. 

When the conversation ended, she told me that I had the "best kind of brain", one that "will never be bored". She told me that she was very excited for me to go to grad school and that I absolutely will be going. She had to leave right after that, but it really did make me smile. I have been feeling very dumb recently. I am always so fatigued and tired. Rarely is there a day that I can actually get into academic reading anymore. There has been a sharp decline in me since I took her class. I think I do too much with people, I don't think I lay in bed and rest enough. I don't know. But it's been bugging me, and to have someone like her who I admire reassure me (when she didn't even know I was struggling to begin with) really made my day so much better. 

I am unsure of where I will go to grad school. I have good online options, but I also have applied to my current university and am not opposed to staying here. This is a small town, though. I'm scared I will continue to feel very trapped. I don't know. I have such good relationships with so many of my professors, and I am not sure if going to online school would allow me to create more. Part of me wants to stay here, to meet more professors and to continue my relationships with them. 

I've also been worried about what my partner would think. We'd been thinking about moving in together again in the city, where we'd both be (assuming I did online school). I didn't want to let them down or to dangle the idea of long-distance over them, and pulling out as a roommate would be shitty. Of course, there is the threat of not getting into online school at all, so we haven't made any plans, but the idea is still there. I very briefly mentioned it to them and they told me to make the decision for me. I hadn't even brought the topic of us up. And while there would be issues we'd have to overcome if we did long distance, it makes me feel a lot better that their first instinct was to encourage me to do what was best for myself. 

I have very wonderful friends and people in my life. I am very often overwhelmed by it. 

I'm sitting in the chapel on campus now. There is someone napping two rows in front of me and someone playing the piano and singing. Someone else looks to be praying further up. I like it in here. I don't come and sit here very often, but I always like it when I do. I have a poetry reading tonight that I'll be going to. My arms hurt from yesterdays workout, but it's the good kind of hurt. I've done pretty poorly in a class this semester. I've never had this sort of issue and I don't know how to go about fixing it, but I'm trying. I hope it doesn't mess up my graduation status. If I can get the credit I think I'd survive. Here's to hoping.